Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 


As many of you have already witnessed, courtesy of many an LJ gacking, Char never looked so fabulous:





It's like a bizarre cross of Hello Kitty and a haute couture fashion show exploded all over it. But if you thought that was strange, perhaps this will give you newfound respect for the F-Gundam: MeatWater. Yes indeed, did you ever take a drink from a bottle of water and ask yourself, "Why this is so utterly bland! Why can't my water taste like fried chicken? Or Buffalo Wings? Or haggis?!" Well, through the marvels of technology, your wish can be granted with...

http://www.dinnerinabottle.com/


And while you may laugh, oh yes, do bear in mind this company is dead serious. If I stumble across some before next year's Anime North, I think I'm buying a bottle just so we can witness everyone's expressions as we slug back a shot of cheeseburger-flavoured water.

All of which brings me to a strange little tale that bears with it a strange little query. Last night, Mel & I were making Pad Thai, and recipe we go by called for 4 eggs. The time came for the eggs to be prepped, and I was the designated egg-beater. Dutifully I took out the egg carton, cracked open the first shell...and then stared down at not one, but two distinct egg yolks now sitting in the mixing bowl.

Apparently, I'd found twins.

Which led to the ensuing query (and Today's Question), as I asked my wife, "Um, Mel? Do twin yolks count as one or two eggs?"

Naturally, Mel blinked, leaned over in confusion and, spotting the twin yolks, said, "I have absolutely no idea. But we'll still need at least two more. We'll figure it out after."

So I nodded and cracked open the next egg...and beheld another set of twins. Which led to the ensuing query, "Um, Mel? Technically I have four eggs in the bowl...but does this really count as two or four?"

Naturally Mel blinked again, leaned over if further confusion and said, "Uh, good question. They're a little small, though. Maybe add one more egg, just in case."

So I nodded and cracked open the next egg. Guess how many yolks were in that one? All of this led to the ensuing query as I exclaimed, "Three sets of twins? How fertile were these chickens?!"

In the end, we went with...er, 3 eggs but 6 yolks...for our Pad Thai. But I'm still left wondering if the twin yolks should have constituted as 4 eggs instead of 2. I'm going to have to google this. (On the other hand, if we were just frying up eggs in a pan, I would have just laughed at the added bonuses and considered it my lucky day.)

Labels: Fabulous Gundams ahoy, My lifelong wish for Haggis in a bottle is now fulfilled, two egg yolks are better than one (but they do screw up the recipe)

posted by Phillip at 7:27 AM

 


If you were at an LCBO (the government-owned chain of liquor stores, fyi, for you non-Canucks) yesterday at all, you have my pity. Not because you were probably looking at a bottle of cabernet sauvignon to go with your grilled snapper when you should have been considering the unoaked chardonnay (I googled this to be sure...and now I'm hungry, dammit), or that you were daring to cheapen your gin & tonic with Seagram's Extra Dry instead of using Bombay Sapphire.

For anyone who missed it, yesterday was the official strike deadline for all LCBO workers; as of midnight last night, they were within their right to walk off the job and leave thousands of Canadians without their hard liquor. (Thankfully, the separately-owned and/or run Beer Store chains would still offer their wares, in a worst case scenario.)

Now imagine, if you will: an LCBO store that was only this busy the day before Christmas, when everyone was stocking up on party drinks and dinner wines. From what some reports were, yesterday’s crowds made Christmas Eve Day look like a slow day. This scares me; believe me, I was there at an LCBO on Christmas Eve Day on ’08, picking up some Zinfandel for Mel. Thankfully I had no pressing matters to attend to and actually enjoyed idling about in the crowd as opposed to being one of the poor bastards on the other side of the counter (ah, retail!), so I didn’t care about the 20-minute wait in line. But to put this into perspective, despite having all 5 tills open and the employees pushing through customers in a professional, rapid-fire fashion, every line went straight to the back of the store, with at least two lines curving around most of the back wall too.

So when the news reports were of even grander crowds who were terrified of a country suddenly without their liquor, all I could think of was how thankful I was to be in a luggage store. Hence, my pity for any of you who either had to brave an LCBO for some party-related drinks, or who missed the news about the strike and rambled in on a whim only to discover the hordes having also descended upon the store.

Tell me, how long did your beards grow while you were waiting in line? And did you have to take down any yuppies in order to get at that blocked display of rum?

As an aside to the non-Canucks: don’t worry, the strike has been postponed for now. Canadians still have their beer and their liquor and will not be forced to conquer the rest of the world in order to get some. (Don’t laugh: knowing our liquor is safe & accessible is the only thing keeping us from subjugating the rest of you.)

Though I must confess a morbid curiosity to wondering what would have happened in Toronto, which is already enduring the beginnings of a summer garbage strike. Can you imagine what levels of pandemonium would ensue when a vast majority of Torontonians suddenly had to contend with the rancid smell of sun-cooked garbage, and couldn’t try to erase the stink with alcohol?

My bets are on at least two days of rioting before the government would desperately sign whatever contract was up to get either or both the garbage and LCBO employees back to work. You know, the usual: looting, fires, random acts of violence against parked cars, the dead rising from the grave, dogs and cats living together.


…and I’m pretty sure I haven’t blogged about this before, and it astounds me that I didn’t originally blog about it shortly after the Con. Then again, my little bits of nowhere have been erratic at best when it comes to updates. (Last week’s excuses for not updating revolved around the evidence mice turning all my boxer shorts into paper doll cut-outs. This week is simply: it’s too damned hot to type.)

I’m sure many of you recall the aftermath of Anime North 2007. At the time, the last thing I said to my staff as I left for my 4-day vacation was, “Don’t burn the store down.” And they laughed and reassured me that they would never dream of such a thing.

Spoiler: they lied.

Upon my return from the Con, I learned about an incident involving our store’s microwave and a flaming hamburger that almost set off the fire alarms and/or sprinkler system. Oh, that would have been a grand clusterfuck to return to; my only consolation would have been that I wasn’t anywhere near when it happened, so I’d be absolved of any wrongdoing.

Flash-forward and then briefly rewind (okay, so this bit of nowhere is an analogue VHS tape instead of swanky DVD. You can live without being able to bounce between chapter breaks.) to AN09. As Mel and I left our house to rendezvous with Kevin & Dana the night before the Con, we joked about the flaming hamburger of death.

Mel laughed at the mental image.

I sighed and shook my head and remarked something along the lines of, “Well, they almost managed it once. But surely they wouldn’t try to burn the store down a second time while I was gone?”

Aha haaaaaaa…they tried.

Not surprisingly, once again the microwave was involved. And one again, amazingly no alarms or sprinklers were triggered, a feat I thank mostly because both locations at least had a sink my minions could dunk the fiery remains into and douse with water. But this does bring us to a much-belated Today's Lesson: just because it says “microwaveable” on the front of the box does not necessarily mean your dinner will survive a microwave. Sometimes labels (like your minions) lie. Or when they say “microwaveable” they really mean “that plastic film you’re supposed to keep on your food while you nuke it might suddenly burst into flame, but there’s no guarantees.”

It makes me wonder what will happen when I eventually leave the store for greener pastures (So to speak. Last I checked, I was not the Nanami-cow.), and the microwave stays behind with the store. I give my minions a week before something goes up in flames.

The betting pool would be more interesting, though, were we to bet on what food did cause everything to go flambé. I call dibs on some sort of pasta dish.

Labels: Flaming microwaveable food of death (now with 50% more burninating), the night the booze-fueled laughter (almost) died

posted by Phillip at 7:42 AM

 


As can be expected, new additions to the family result in many, many, maaaaaaaaany pictures taken of the cute little baby. And let's be honest: being deluged with dozens of these photos will inevitably result in polite but awkward boredom from your friends as they find it difficult to share your enthusiasm after the 100th picture of your sleeping (in this case) niece. Ideally, that will not be the case here.

I plan on keeping many, many, maaaaaaaaaaany pictures of my baby niece, but you shall not be subjected to them online. No, that's what the 2 hour long slideshows will be for; the sort of things you can't escape from because I've locked all the doors and barred the windows.

Fiendish plans featuring teh cute aside, here's my new baby niece!





Here is Josselyn. Amazingly, she was born with eyebrows. As anyone who's heard the story about my very first comment upon seeing Gabe for the first time (hint: it went something along the lines of, "Aw, he so adorable...but where are his eyebrows?"), this throws my entire belief system out of whack again. At first I thought all babies had eyebrows. Then I learned that generally they don't. And now I've discovered that a few babies do in fact have eyebrows.

I'll have to sit down for this one, it's hurting my head.





And here's a picture of Josselyn staring up at me. She was unusually attentive whenever I was holding her. We can't figure out if she found my voice very relaxing, or if she was confused since I bore a slight resemblance to mommy but sure as hell didn't sound like her.





And here's a picture of Sammy, their springer spaniel, photo-bombing the moment. Thanks, Sammy.

Labels: photobomb dog is photobombing, Welcoming Josselyn (now with eyebrows)

posted by Phillip at 7:19 AM

 


Around 4am last night, my sister gave birth to a 7lb 8oz baby girl. They've named her Jocelyn (though I have yet to confirm if this particular spelling of the name is indeed the one they're giving to her). Naturally I'm as giddy as anything, and once I get the chance to sit down and see my new baby niece, this little bit of nowhere will probably be inundated with more baby pictures than is necessary.

But hey, you can't say you weren't warned.

So if you're able to, spend a moment with me celebrating the newest addition to the family...and a few more moments to ponder just how I plan to warp her way of thinking before she's in kindergarten.

Oh, and this time around I will probably not need to be informed about her inherent lack of eyebrows at birth, unlike with Gabe. (Not living that one down anytime in this life, I'm sure, but hey! You learn new things every day!)

Labels: hoorays for Jocelyn Kivenan

posted by Phillip at 4:40 AM

 
As indicated in the previous bit of nowhere, I recently acquired a strange and unique DVD at Anime North. The mere title of this little imported production was more than enough to intrigue me--and, by what Jason mentioned, the title itself was also the primary reason Ryan bought a small batch of them to sell at the Con. That title?





You couldn’t get much more what-it-says-on-the-tin than that; obviously there must be a girls swim team involved, as well as zombies. And, if the cover was to be believed, chainsaws too.

I think everyone I encountered at the Con who learned of my morbid fascination with this title, and of my subsequent purchase of it, all said they wanted to hear my review of this DVD, as it just seems too bizarre to defy a generic description. And they were all absolutely right.

To an extent, you will probably never witness anything quite like this movie ever again. And it is entirely possible that, once the end credits roll, you will either be laughing at the silliness or demanding back that wasted hour and a half. (Kind of like watching the Rifftracked version of “Twilight,” which will have you adoring the riffs, but crying over how bad the movie is by itself.)

So where do we begin with a movie like this? Well, let’s start with the title, which is actually a little bit of a misnomer. There is a girls’ swim team involved, and they do attack things. (Their success rate, however, is…well, I have a better chance at the world embracing me without pants, let’s put it that way.) And the “zombies” in question are more viral-infected people as opposed to the undead. As Mel eloquently put it, “Oh, so they’re the Genado from Resident Evil 4.”


And now, the movie in 15 minutes:


[Outside some non-descript high school…]


AKI
*brood brood brood*

SAYAKA
“Hi, you must be new here! I’m on the swim team. Want to join us?”

AKI
“No thanks, I have issues with the water.”

SAYAKA
“You’re strange. Want to be my friend?”

AKI
“That’s great…um, why are you tenderly stroking my hand?”

SAYAKA
“No reason.”


[Cut to a random classroom in the school!]


HELPFUL DOCTOR WHO IS OBVIOUSLY NOT A MAD SCIENTIST
“The Umbrella Corporation is pleased to help vaccinate you against Swine Flu. Warning: side effects may include itchy rashes, slurred speech, impeded motor function, loose morals and an overpowering hunger for human flesh.”

MATH TEACHER
“What about me?”

HELPFUL DOCTOR WHO IS OBVIOUSLY NOT A MAD SCIENTIST
“You’ll inexplicably learn to juggle and eat fire.”

MATH TEACHER
“Cool! Sign me up!”


[30 minutes later….]


ZOMBIE STUDENTS
“Itchy tasty! Itchy tasty!”

RANDOM STUDENT VICTIM #1
“Ow, my jugular!”

RANDOM STUDENT VICTIM #2
“I knew I should have transferred to Furinkan High last semester!”

MATH TEACHER:
“Thanks to science, I can juggle apples and rulers now! Mwah ha ha haaaa!!!”


[Elsewhere….]

AKI
“Holy crap, everyone but the swim club’s turning into zombies!”

SAYAKA
“I like you, Aki.”

AKI
“That’s great and all, but we’re stuck in the cafeteria kitchen right now.”

SAYAKA
“No. I really, really like you.”

AKI
“I like you too, but we have to watch out for the zom…why is your hand down my skirt?”

SAYAKA
“Les Yay?”

AKI
“Shouldn’t we go and rescue the rest of the swim team?”

SAYAKA
“But what about lesbian porn?”

AKI
“Okay, fine. But just this once!”


[Cue the rousing “I didn’t know a side order of bad porn came with this cheese” scene!]


SAYAKA
“So, now that we’re in the post-coital afterglow, tell me a little about yourself.”

AKI
“Well, a few years ago I was kidnapped by a mad scientist and forced to become an elite killing machine who primarily used water as my entry point for assassinations. Oh, and the guy who trained me was a sexual sadist.”

SAYAKA
“Gee, thanks for the mood killer.”

AKI
“Don’t worry, this explanation comes with flashbacks.”


[Cue the flashbacks! See Aki doing a push-up!]


AKI
“I’m a badass killer! Watch me do a push-up!”

DIRECTOR
“Hmm…not enough fetish fuel for the viewers. Let’s put a ball gag in your mouth while you do push-ups.”

AKI
“Dammit!”


[More flashbacks! See Aki pose dramatically on the beach!]


AKI
“I reiterate: look at how incredibly cool and badass I am!”

DIRECTOR
“You’re holding the plastic gun wrong.”

AKI
“Shut up! So I finally earned my assassin badge. And I’m sure my stunt double will make sure I look seriously kick-ass in all my fight scenes.”

DIRECTOR
“Um…about that. We blew the budget hiring that juggling guy. You’re doing all your own fight choreography.”

AKI
“Are you insane?! Did you even see that last flashback scene? I could barely even do a push-up properly, and now you expect me to look like I’ve had more than one lesson in martial arts training?”

DIRECTOR
“Yeah, you’re right. Let’s show more porn scenes and hope the audience forgets about that.”

AKI
“Dammit!”


[Yet more flashbacks! Witness her mad scientist/trainer taunt her with bad flute voice-over music!]


MAD SCIENTIST
“See how cool my flute is? It’s causing you to become uncontrollably horny and want to screw me!”

AKI
“Why is there flute music still playing even though you’re talking and holding the flute away from your face?”

MAD SCIENTIST
“Um…science?”

AKI
“Oh. Just checking.”


[Now returning you to your regularly-scheduled cheese….]


SAYAKA
“Wow. That still doesn’t make much sense. Oh by the way, I’m pretty sure we’re twin sisters.”

AKI
“But we look nothing alike.”

SAYAKA
“Try not to think about it or your head will explode. Will this make future sex awkward for us?”

AKI
“Nah, twincest is all the rage in fanfiction anyways. Let’s find the rest of the swim team and hope they didn’t get eaten while we were having our tryst.”


[Meanwhile, at the pool…]


GIRLS’ SWIM TEAM
“So why aren’t we zombies?”

AKI
“It must be the chlorine in the pool that’s neutralizing the virus.”

GIRLS’ SWIM TEAM
“Hooray for chlorine! Wait…is that even possible?”

AKI
“Fools! Never question science. Now, my keen deduction skills tell me that my mad scientist/mentor/rapist has returned to wreak havoc upon the school because I escaped from him.”

SAYAKA
“Makes sense.”

AKI
“I had better go kill him before anything bad happens to the rest of you.”

GIRLS’ SWIM TEAM
“You’re leaving us alone again?!”

SAYAKA
“This sucks! She’s risking her life for us, so I say we completely disregard her sacrifice and go on the attack! We’ll be like those Spartan guys in 300, only in swimsuits!”


[Dramatic music swells as the swim team dons their form-fitting, aerodynamic one-piece battle uniforms! Thrill as a number of jump cuts show them grabbing metal bats and lead pipes while looking utterly badass!]


ATTACK GIRLS SWIM TEAM
“Raaaaar! Watch us kick ass!”


[2 minutes and the first villain they encounter later…]


ATTACK GIRLS SWIM TEAM
“Holy crap, we’re all dead!”

GENADO ENGRISH TEACHER
(inexplicably armed with a katana!)
“Raaaaaar! More Prinnies! I demand you bring me more Prinnies to eat!”

SAYAKA
“Suddenly I’m so glad I was the last person out the door. But this can’t be right. And where the hell did you find a katana in a public school?”

GENADO ENGRISH TEACHER
“Science!”


[Elsewhere, Aki confronts the Mad Scientist in the largest public school boiler room known to Japan.]


AKI
“I could be in my trailer and having a stunt double do this entire scene. Stupid juggling teacher... Oh well, let’s get this over with. I’m going to kill you now.”

MAD SCIENTIST
“I rather doubt that. Behold, my science flute version 2.0. Now you have no choice but to fall under my submission again!”

AKI
“What the? Now your flute sounds like a synthesizer whenever you play it. How the hell is that even possible?!”

MAD SCIENTIST
“I told you, science can do whatever the hell it wants to.”

AKI
“Who wrote this turkey?! I refuse to acknowledge this plot as even remotely coherent.”

MAD SCIENTIST
“Oh, so you refuse to bend to my will? Well, how’s about I inject myself with not one, but two full doses of my not-quite-a-zombie viruses?”

AKI
“Won’t you overdose and die instantly?”

MAD SCIENTIST
“Not before running around uselessly while some really bad special effects make it look like I have a rubber head!”

AKI
“We don’t have time for this. The audience has already realized this film sucks as both a B-movie and a porno. We have to cut to the big finish while I cut your throat open!”

MAD SCIENTIST
(now featuring a trendy new throat gash!)
“I…loveded you…science…”

AKI
“Well, that was disturbingly anticlimactic. Speaking of climaxes, I wonder where Sayaka has gotten to.”

SAYAKA
“Here I am! I love you! Kiss me!”

AKI
“Mmm…kisses. What the? Your kiss just paralysed me!”

SAYAKA
(with medicine bottle!)
“I did it with this!”

MEDICINE BOTTLE
“I’m a plot point!”

SAYAKA
“Aki, you fool! I was never a schoolgirl lesbian or your twin sister; I’m a rival assassin who enjoys being a sex toy, and I was sent here to help kill you!”

AKI
“I am shocked and dismayed by this plot twist. Well, I guess this means we’re not sisters or friends anymore, but there’s no need to be uncivil about this.”

SAYAKA
“Oh, and I faked every orgasm.”

AKI
“You bitch! I’ll kill you! I’ll fucking kill you all!”

SAYAKA
“Nothing can stop me now, except for maybe a badly-rendered CG knife!”


[Cue the badly-rendered CG knife killing Sayaka]


SAYAKA
“Dammit!”

AKI
“But who threw the knife?”

MAD SCIENTIST
“I’m wearing VR gloves on my hands to make me look scary!”

AKI
“Not you again! How is this even possible? I watched you die in a badly choreographed sequence.”

MAD SCIENTIST
“No, you saw my twin brother die! But luckily, I’m just as nuts and sadistic as him!”

AKI
“Wait…so which of you is the evil twin?”

MAD SCIENTIST’S POSSIBLY EVIL TWIN
“With all the plot holes already littering the ground, that’s the one question you ask? Oh, hell with it. I have you now!”

AKI
“Oh yeah? You forgot about my…heat-seeking vagina laser!!!”

MAD SCIENTIST’S POSSIBLY EVIL TWIN
“Ha h…what?”


[No word of a lie: a laser fires from Aki’s crotch and frags the evil twin in a spectacular display of special effects failure.]


MAD SCIENTIST’S POSSIBLY EVIL TWIN
“It burns us, Precious! It burns us!”

AKI
“Wow, that was surprisingly effective. Perhaps I should have used this earlier to help save everyone else at this school…nah!”


[In the grand finale, Aki returns to the pool!]


AKI
“It’s over. Finally, the epic cheese--I mean, epic war is over. And I have accepted the fact that I truly love being in the water. I guess I really will sign up for the swim team after all…”

[Aki surveys the roster, noting how everyone else’s name has been changed to read ‘cannon fodder’.]

AKI
“Well, crap. So much for the swim meet. I’ll just have a relaxing swim in the pool. La la la…AW FUCK, MY HEART! I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND DROWNING IN THE POOL! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!”

MEDICINE BOTTLE
(with a label that reads ‘After using, do not perform heavy exercise, such as running or swimming, for at least 8 hours after.’)
“Told you, bitches! Pwned!”



-FIN-


So there you have the dramatic conclusion: Aki, a badass schoolgirl assassin (and apparently part-time lesbian) manages to survive battles against zombie students, jugglers, zombie teachers, another schoolgirl assassin and two mad scientists…only to be killed by not reading the instructions on a prescription bottle.

Labels: attack girls swim team versus the undead ( the review)

posted by Phillip at 8:00 AM

 


So…

There was this Con, you see, and it was filled with otaku (some of whom had not exactly showered for, I’d say, at least two days prior to their arrival), and we spent way too much money on swag we saw in the dealer’s room.

That’s the really, really abbreviated version of it. The longer, snooze-inducing version goes a little like this:



You ever notice how shit seems to start flying at random fans in the room just as you’re about to kiss your workplace good-bye for 4 solid days? I started out the day with barely a care in the world, safe in the knowledge that I was working a shorter shift and would soon be gone at something I’d spent the last 12 months looking forward to. After all, in a shift that’s barely even 7 hours long, what could possibly go wrong?

It’s that sort of thinking that gets you in trouble. Notably when the last 2 hours are upon you, and suddenly you are deluged with problem customers with problematic requests/searches for me to look into, problem customers with problem luggage repairs, and problem customers just asking to be taken out by our ‘Customer Appreciation Crowbar’ and stuffed into a 32” suitcase until we find a better means of disposing of their now problematic corpse.

Half of what I had to contend with that particular afternoon was fortuitously remedied on the spot (thank you, Power of Manager) or could be set aside until my return. Work always has to get its last hateful licks in, doesn’t it?

But in the end, I managed to sneak out of the store just as a crush of unexpected customers came storming in. One uneventful busride later (the eventful one was due to appear only after the Con, as many of you know from the previous entry), and Mel & I were throwing our luggage into the car, reassuring the cat that we really did love him and people would be stopping by to visit him in our absence, and shuffling off to Brantford.

We spent the evening relaxing with Kevin & Dana, making final plans for driving, room arrangements and the like. Sleep came surprisingly early for all of us, which brings us to…



I’d like to think the reason we were all awake and alert so unusually early was because, gosh darn it, we’re that sort of group of go-getters. But it was probably the latent paranoia we all held in possibly being late for the Con (and getting caught in the weekend Toronto traffic) that made us all perk up by 8am.

In a most peculiar twist, we had all packed the night before and were subsequently left wondering what the hell to do with ourselves for the morning. Kevin and his brother Charlie (aka, our van driver) skipped off to nab the last of the perishable foods, and before we knew what the hell had happened, we shot through Toronto and ended up at the Doubletree Hotel just after noon.

However, we were half an hour late in witnessing Con-goers breaking 2 elevators almost simultaneously. I think that’s a new record now, isn’t it: two elevators killed before the Con even starts? But I digress.

Happiness is an early check-in. Of equal happiness is having a rolling dolly cart to ensure we didn’t destroy our backs as we hauled our bags and coolers up to our room. And in a very déjà vu moment, we ended up with the exact same room as last Con: the 4th floor corner suite overlooking the convention centre, with a king-sized bed. I think this is by far the best room in the hotel; you’re far away enough to watch all the Con-goers and Cosplayers move around, but not so high up that they’re specks of colours.

With three hours left before we could really do much of anything Con-related, we wondered what to do with ourselves. Sadly, the hotel decided to help keep us occupied by telling us that we had to go back downstairs to sign a form about having a pet in the room. Bear in mind: earlier, we walked up to the check-in desk with Shady in my arms. The employee there smiled and mentioned how cute Shady was, and made sure to hand us the “pet” form to sign.

And yet some yazoo called up to our room insisting we had not signed the form and must go downstairs. In a fun twist, guess which desk attendant we ended up in front of again? She performed a double-take upon seeing us back so soon, and was downright boggled when we informed her of the phone call. Her exact words: “But you did fill out the form! I gave it to you myself. Here’s the form right here in your file folder! What the hell are they thinking?!”

^-^ I would have offered her my complimentary room cookie for the awesomeness she displayed, but those were really good cookies. (I nommed mine within 20 minutes of settling into our hotel room.)

Back up in the safety of our room, we all scattered to the four proverbial winds: Kevin & Dana had to help set up the Dragonstar booth in the dealer’s room, Charlie had to get registered, and Mel & I had to get our panelist badges. Shady was left with her toys and bribes--er, snacks; I think she just sulked whenever we weren't around. Fear not, though, faithful readers. This makes the third Con she’s attended, and while she gets little jumpy at the large crowds by the second day, Shady has resigned herself to the fact that we’re gone for about 2-3 hours at a time. She’s always ecstatic to see us whenever we return, but whenever we go she just gets a grumpy look on her face and settles down in a corner as if to say, “Fine. Go then. Leave me alone. See if I care. *sniffle* I thought you loved me….”

But she was spoiled rotten whenever we were around, and we tried to be around as much as possible, so all was decent. At least I hope it was. As far as I can tell, she didn’t pee on any of our clothes in vengeful retaliation, so that has to count for something, yes?

Anyhoo…

All too quickly, AN09 began. Huzzah! To the dealer’s room! For swag and glory!

But first: a panel.

This makes it, what? The second year in a row I opened the Con by being on a panel? *shrug* Oh well, having not a lot in terms of a swag Wish-List, I didn’t mind. The Fushigi Yugi panel, despite the number of panelists rivaling the number of attendees for the first half, was very enjoyable and interactive. We started out with a panel table and an additionally strange, slender table running down the aisle between the two sections of chairs.

I cheerfully informed all the fans coming for the FY panel that we were going to have an audience participation moment and perform a human sacrifice to appease the dark gods of anime, but first we needed a volunteer from the crowd! Funny…no one volunteered.

Once the panel ended, Mel & I hit the dealer’s room and artist’s alley. After last year’s debacle wherein I discovered all the cool artists’ works on the last day of the Con (when I thusly had no money to buy anything), I made sure to do a sweep of the alley and dealer’s room beforehand. Manga was purchased. DVD box sets were also purchased. Artwork was purchased. And most of the DVD titles with the highest priorities on my wishlist were not found at all. Can’t say that was surprising, since I’m now gunning for older series that are either endangered or out of print, like the last 2 arcs of Utena, the Project Ako box (now on Ebay for the low, low price of $180!) and Shamanic Princess (now acquired at an actually low, low price thanks to Mel’s impressive Google-fu).

At Dragonstar, I found myself sorely tempted by the mere title of a cheesy, live-action Japanese movie: Attack Girls’ Swim Team vs. The Undead. I mean, come on! What’s not enticing about something so straightforward? It’s got girls on swim teams. And zombies! What could possibly go wrong with that combination?

(The answer, to be further detailed in the next blog entry after this, can be found with four simple words: heat-seeking vagina laser. I am dead serious. I couldn’t make this sort of bizarre shit up even if I tried. And believe me, I’ve tried.)

We were tempted to go to the Nomunichi (garage sale) at the Renaissance Hotel, but in the end opted to hang out in our hotel room with Shady. Crash time came soon after Kevin & Dana returned from their booth-running.




One bad thing about a busy day at a Con: the next day, an early rise & shine is about as welcome as a plague monkey dressed in a tutu and foaming at the mouth. Alas, I had that, starting with a 10am panel. Luckily, it was Writer’s Block along with Nightbreak and Steve Savage (plus a few fun others), and all in all it went quite well. There were a surprisingly large amount of otaku conscious and attending the panel, and somewhere in there we managed to toss out random ideas for a story…and ended up with the basic plot of Code Geass.

Um…great minds think alike when throwing out random plot devices?

More dealer’s room visitations were made (and the Swim Team Vs. Undead DVD was purchased despite Mel threatening me with the usual things: death, dismemberment, forcing me to watch the SM dub), but I soon had to duck out for Steve Savage’s “Fan to Pro” panel. I quite enjoyed it, as Steve knows what he’s talking about and it did help with that slight kick in the ass to get a move on with my own writing projects.

Immediately following that was the Fanfiction panel, where I had another déjà vu flash as I saw Mel, Nightbreak & Dejana paneling with me. It’s always great when you know the quirks of your fellow panelists and can play off each other. Much fun was had. ^-^

Afterwards, there was an impromptu photo session wherein Dejana (dressed as Sailor Pluto) and two fellow dotmooners (Shel, dressed as Sailor Saturn, and Kasey, dressed as Princess Serenity) did a series of pictures wherein I did unsavory things to the Silence Glaive and Timestaff…and they retaliated in kind.

Apparently people having no idea of the jokes behind this (hey, this is Chaos getting up to no good as usual, after all!) still loved the idea of some random otaku getting his ass kicked by Sailor Senshi. We had a small cluster of photographers by the end. Hoorays for my stage-hamming!

The afternoon was a blur of pee breaks for Shady, lunches and more swag. Mel batted her eyes at me and asked for a set of shuriken knives for Christmas. All I could picture was said knives ending up sticking out of my butt during the culmination of some future argument between us. So no, there were no bladed weapons for my saucy wench this year. Again. (This makes it her fifth failed “eyelash-batting” attempt.)

Mel had her “Best & Worst of Anime” panel, and the turn-out for that was out-the-door packed. This situation was the complete opposite from last year, where it was an early Sunday morning timeslot and next to no one showed up. Sometimes it really is all in the timing.

And all this led us to the 10pm “Fic Fic Boom”, wherein Steve, Gaffney, Nightbreak and myself all tried to break the audience by offering horrible ideas and advice for fanfics. As a gag, we also brought handouts and a canister of cyanide (Mmm….almond-flavoured Mike and Ike’s).

Alas, I ended up being the first to use a pill. (Thanks, Sean.)

And if we thought the audience laughed loudly when my head clunked onto the table in feigning death the first time around, that was nothing compared to when Gaffney broke the rest of us on the panel. (I think it had something to do with Lucky Star coprophilia. Those of you daring to perform Google Seppuku, start your search engines now!) Nightbreak, Steve and I all took a pill and dropped dead in unison. Whereupon Gaffney leapt from his chair and performed a victory dance down the aisle.

If only we’d had a camera for that. I don’t think we’ll be able to top the sheer spontaneous awesome of that moment.

And with that panel over, it was back up to the room to relax with a few friends before leaping off to the JPop Dance. The dance was amazing. The security at the door was astounding…and sadly needed, as they caught more than a few people with some rather illicit substances and/or weapons. I heard of at least one person getting nailed with drugs. Now how in the hell do you honestly deluded yourself into thinking you can evade three separate and distinct security checkpoints? Dumbass.

On the other hand, while waiting in the line, we did get the rare treat of seeing some strange little otaku sitting on the gravel behind us. He must have been on something (my bets are some very prime ganja), because he was staring at the gravel like it was the most incredible thing in the universe. Nothing could shake his rapt fascination as he scooped up little bits of gravel in his hands and let them pour back out onto the ground. But this was not enough for him to contemplate, oh no; he quickly shuffled off and returned with one really big rock, which he set down in front of him and began pouring more gravel onto it. Then he pitched over sideways and remained in a statuesque position.

I’m assuming someone fetched him or wheeled him off, as he was no longer there when I left the JPop dance later on. And courtesy of Diana, here’s a picture of me with my new favourite OTP: Rock-Guy & gravel. (Though I have yet to decide who’s the uke. You may debate this amongst yourselves.)






As it always has been, the JPop dance was in full swing, with spontaneously-generated conga lines and more glowsticks than you could shake a Crossplayer at. (And there were a lot of those too, sadly and most notably the guy with the chin stubble and 3 different variations of Sailor Saturn costumes--Princess Saturn, Sailor Saturn and Super Sailor Saturn--he liked to alternate throughout the Con. Gyaaaaa….) I bounced between hanging out with Roupen at the DJ’s booth and dancing like only a white boy can on the dance floor.

Upon realizing that Yatta had yet to be played, I made sure to stick around to enjoy that. And would you believe it? Over half the people dancing had absolutely no idea how to dance to Yatta. Are we that old, or are they just that out of touch with old school cool?

Damn newbies…get the hell off’a my lawn until you can dance with white undies and a green leaf girding your loins!

Shortly after Yatta, Mel & I retired to our room and crashed.




The day had to be met earlier than any of us would have liked, but at least for Mel & I there was nothing imperative to do until our 1pm Yuu Watase panel. We made sure to check out the dealer’s room for any last-day deals, but as there was very little catching our interest in the first place, we didn’t nab too much. Though Kevin did brandish a thoroughly discounted Sorcerer Hunters box in front of me, and Mel graciously agreed to front the money for it so long as I paid her back. Which I shall soon enough.

The Watase panel was very well-attended, with a number of the FY crowd returning to see us. (It helps to pimp out future panels when you’re on other, earlier ones. Huzzah for Machiavellian strategy!) And this time around, Mel managed to break some of the younger Watase fans out there by simply reporting how Watase’s newest manga is going to be a yaoi-oriented one.

One last visit to the dealer’s room was made, and then it was off to the Sailor Moon panel. And wow, was it packed. I was honestly surprised, since it was one of the last panels of the Con and I’d have thought most otaku would be either raking in one final purchase at the Dealer’s Room or have already left the hotel. But the audience was lively and I’d like to think everyone had a great time.

If only they’d known I moderated that panel the entire time without pants…

No, just kidding. The pants were on for the entirety of the Con this time.

Once that panel ended, the Con was more or less over. Mel & I met up with Gary, Matt, Jen and Charlie, and we stopped by at the Ginko’s restaurant for our post-Con dinner. We’d done this last year, and the quiet dinner had the surprising effect of totally relaxing us. Hence the reason Mel & I were keen to do it this year, especially trying out their teppan-yaki table this time; we went so far as to setting aside $100 of our Con money specifically for the Sunday night Ginko’s dinner.

The real treat was seeing Charlie sit down for a Japanese dinner for the first time. The rest of us having experienced teppan-yaki before, we all waited with a smirk for the fireball. Not surprisingly, Charlie recoiled. He did better than me; the first time I got to witness the entertaining fireball o’ vegetables, I nearly leapt right out of my chair in surprise. Overall, Charlie quite liked the meal and the experience. Another convert! The flaming vegetables be praised!

Naturally, with all this over it was time for the traditional swim and room party. Mel, myself, Matt, Jen and Nightbreak headed down to the Jacuzzi. Soon we were visited by Roupen, Chris and Jason (some of whom were enjoying a second post-Con swim to make up for the whole damn pool being closed last year).

The room party was loud and lively, with most of the gang assembled together to laugh, drink Sake and do the usual multiple conversations. Threaded through the party (and part of the earlier afternoon) I made a few contributions to a deranged round-robin fanfic being headed up by Dejana. When I last saw it, the story had thus far involved a smoking Princess Serenity, robots, zombie Serenity (not to be confused with smoking Serenity), ninjas and pirates. “And that’s when the time-traveling Nazis attacked.”

^-^ I am so going to get my ass kicked by whomever was next, considering that part about the Nazis was the last line of my final contribution.

Switching back to the party, with one final toast, we celebrated an Anime North that had managed to go off without any notable problems or fuck-ups. This was a very happy thing, considering last year’s issues with drugs and the seriously ill-advised parking lot bonfire.

Naturally, we’re all terrified to see what next year’s karmic balance will bring.

Towards the end of the shindig, Mel & I volunteered to wait with Jen outside for her bus. Which was great and all…had the bus not been 20 minutes late on top of already being 20 minutes late. With an unpleasantly cold wind blowing, all of us waiting for the bus ended up huddling in the hotel’s side entrance while one brave/foolhardy man sat out in the cold as look-out. We chatted with Jen until the look-out suddenly began signaling to us. A bus was finally coming! Huzzah!

Alas, by the time Mel & I returned upstairs, the party had disbanded. But that was all right, as sleep was good….




Hello, Monday morning! Now kiss my ass as I roll back over in my nice warm bed. That particular sentiment couldn’t stay too long, though, as we needed to rouse ourselves for the post-Con morning breakfast at Perkins, also fast becoming a fancrew tradition. The service was surprisingly swift, causing us to wonder if Perkins had been decimated by Con crowds over the weekend. I can only imagine what Kelsey’s, Swiss Chalet and Subway were like over those few days…let alone Harveys, who had a moderately long but never shortening line for their Free Burger Sunday. (Poor sots.)

After a round of good-byes, we returned to our room, packed up and made the drive back to Brantford. Mel & I floated around with Kevin & Dana for the remainder of the day, unwinding a little bit more before heading home. Wherein I dreaded Tuesday’s return to work.

Our poor Chance refused to leave our sides the second we returned. I woke up twice in the middle of the night to find the cat snuggled right up next to me. He hardly ever snuggles us in bed unless it’s a particularly cold winter night...in which case, Shady’s right next to him and the both of the little fuzzbutts have somehow managed to commandeer over half the bed.




The store was clean when I walked in. And intact. I must confess to being mildly disappointed.

Thanks to a heap of unexpected mark-downs, I spent the next two days catching up on paperwork, as well as cleaning and tweaking the store until it sparkled to my usual satisfaction. (But not in a vampirey disco ball kind of way.)




So…there was this Con. And it was filled with otaku, and swag was purchased, and I had an absolute blast being there for it. I’m already looking forward to next year’s Anime North, especially since we’ve got a plan for the new Confic, and doubly especially since it will hopefully involve puppets.

That’s all for now.

Tune in next time, when I will give you the 10-minute summary of Attack Girls’ Swim Team Vs. The Undead!!!!onesies!!1!




Today’s Lesson: you are not David Bowie/Jareth the Goblin King. I don’t care if Cosplaying as The Riddler at AN09 was your lifelong dream come true; I didn’t need to see your green spandex crotch bulge of doom, and quite frankly, Jareth-Bowie’s was so much better than yours.

Labels: Anime North 2009 Con report

posted by Phillip at 5:18 PM